Passion

I kinda lost my passion in teaching
I have no idea why
I just had some kinda chit-chatting with my family
and they talk about the tuition centre
and my brother kinda say that teaching is quite a good job
and I have no idea why I say it's not
talked about tuition centre
I just gave a joke
by telling my brother if he wanted to join the teaching then he will work under me
My mom kinda say: "Girl you will never be because you have so many communication problem"
which kinda hit me right in the head

Always
Always
I have nothing
Nothing is good for me
Nothing is good in me

I have no good appearance,
yet I like to be one

I know I have talent in art
but yet it's all bullshit in other's eyes.

I have nothing
nothing at all.

The Day Before Praticcum

My heart was pounding in a marching pace that I can't keep up
I was terrified.
This was just a day before the praticcum starts
Shouldn't be that bad.
But why I can't keep myself down?

It's 11.32pm of 29 March 2014, the day before my praticcum starts.
I had a very hard time sitting alone in the airport.
I have my emotion raging in rapidly at the very moment I stepped out from the car the drives reached the departure hall entrance.
I just met dad and mum for less than 24 hours and now I am leaving again. I couldn't breath.
I wanted hug but I was shy (why the hell I was thinking like that? I wasn't like that at at before)
I miss my parents and I knew I need their support on this matter.
But at the same time, I know they didn't even worry about me because they always thought their girl can do well in teaching since she has start teaching at a very young age (year 4).
And I have this same thought until I was on the way to the airport to KB.

I started to feel uneasy as I imagined myself lose and messed up.
As I sit in the starbucks, my mind started to blotted up sceneries of imagination.
Imagine myself lost in the progress, wrong in the process, tired and anger, bored and fail.
I quickly picked up my novel to read, to distract me from thinking too much.
It helps, but not much. Those sceneries that ranged my emotion keep floating back to my mind once I was unfocused on my reading.
It was scary.


I wasn't able to sit still in the boarding hall either.
I was still holding my novel, but this time, the focusing time are decreasing rapidly.
I started to think and worry about things, just to recheck if there's any to-do list I have missed in the holiday.
I couldn't find a thing, which makes me happy and worry at the same time.
happy if that's the true and worry if I am that stupid to even find out what I have missed out.
I couldn't sure which one is the truth so it scares me again,
and terrified me when the flight delayed, cause now I have more time to think of nonsense.

In the airplane, I was tired but hungry at the same time
Hungry because of my gastric problem, in fact I have no appetite to even look at the food.
I can't sleep well nor read well
As I was anticipating for the food, they made no intention of serving it while it was flying due to bad weather.
I searched at my bag and praise the Lord once I got myself an Appollo small cake.
Things starting to feel better when you have food (and sweet) in your body :)

I sent a message asking for prayers from mum.
I can never read in details when she reply to motivate me.
I know she means well,
but my eyes are always drools with tears if I ever take a long time reading them, so I don't.
Mum's words are powerful enough to motivates her child to stay strong, moved on, and don't be afraid.

After an one hour of express room-cleaning,
now I feel better.
11.58pm now.
I should probably get to sleep.
Wish me luck.
Happy Praticcum! :)

What is Best?

Sometime it's so hard to know how to be the best.
I wanna be the best but I couldn't
I thought I am the best but I'm not.
Confident is good, but it kills me sometimes.

People said "try your best" but I will say "I'll be the best"
How to be not so over confident when everything around you is things you don't think it's their best?
maybe i need to respect and appreciate what people's best.

That's something I need to learn from now.
No more over confident and looking down on people.

Human Live in Infinity Demands

I was started with a new semester with a lecturer asking us to do self-reflection.

She asked everyone to think of their challenge in studying in Teacher College.

And the common factors are time management and self management.

I did my own self reflection and this is what I thought:

I feel satisfied in my study life.

I got a good result and I study like hell.

I work my way to get every chance to improve my marks

I put my study as priority and so I feel I deserve to get flying colours in my study.

I always think I lack of time in studying.

I wanted to study more,

and read more

and score more.

However, study life ruined my personal life.

I lack of time in making friends

I lose the opportunity of discovering things I love and like

I constrain myself with books and assignments

I didn’t get enough of other things all because I study (like hell)

and I am not happy, I am stress (mostly all the time of studying).

My dear friends,

You said that you haven’t put study as priority,

I said if you have scored good enough, don’t lose your happiness because you studying, like I do.

Instead of study hard,

Study SMART , and Play HARD.

and BE CONTENT.

YOLO

Happy with Guilt

I have had a really difficult time during my last semester.

I played a lot

I couldn't focus on study

I have two boyfriends broke up with me in a month.

Worst, I got caught for sexy modelling.

I couldn't have feel much terrible than these.

During study week,

I cannot really focus myself.

I know I studied,

But I became lazier and weaker in memorization.

I used to re-memorize for few times, but now I just look through and find for the spot questions.

I feel guilty but at the same time I was wondering if that is what we call 'STUDY SMART'?

Worst, 

I cannot focus during my test.

This is the firsst time I have no idea what I am writing in my essay during one of the test.

I was so useless.

and lecturer spotted question didn't came out on the test. 

I fed up and just pray for at least 3.80.

then,

I got my exam result today

4.00

I can't believe my eyes when I first looking at it.

I even took out the calculator to calculate the marks.

I was stunned.

 

New Hope, New Life

I have been wanting to create a new blog for this thing so long, and finally it happened! ^^

I am a fashion blogger, own another blog called "EleanorDreamLand", but in fact, I am a future teacher.

I love fashion, I love to be a star, I love travelling around, to love to be loved and I love to dream. 

But as a teacher trainee, there're so many things that constrain be in pursuing my dream. 

That's why Eleanor Dream Land was created, in order to fullfill Eleanor's dreams. 

However, as time goes by, I realized I was lost.

I began to lost passion in teaching. 

I cannot focus on my study as I wanted to get into the fashion line so badly.

I lost hope in study, I got dumped by boyfriends, and I even hate myself as a teacher trainee.

I tell you, it was the worst thing happened in my life, so far.

I began to doubt my interest.

I blame my mum for forcing me to enter the teacher uni.

I hated my life.

But today I change.

on a Christmas Day.

I finally got someone who can really give me advice and motivation.

He's just a close friend of mine, and I have never be more glad than to talk to him tonight :)

I got myself this new blog, calling 'Eleanor the Teacher', almost similar to my fashion blog name, in order to let people know the two different lifestyle happened in one person.

I can be flirty, fashionable, sexy, cool in one blog, 

but I can also be a professional in another.

That's what I am trying to bring out here.

This will be my private blog, as I am going to write things I hate I love and I scared.

All my emotion will be here and I make it as my diary.

I hope this teacher life diary can at least make me dots down whatever inspiration I may used up during my teaching life later :)

So today,

I learn that I can focus on one thing to teach many subjects

I am a kindergarten teacher but I cannot mess up the teaching skills.

I must focus on one thing in order to make the learning process successful.

Hence I decided to use MUSIC.

My task: 

How to used Music in your kindergarten teaching life?

1) How to use music in order to create active learning?

2) How to use music in teaching language subject?

3) How to use music to teach maths and science?

4) How to use music to discipline students?

5) How to use music to calm down the students?

6) How to roar the emotions using music?

7) How to create imagination using music?

8) How to use music to make student concentrate in study?


I really thank God for bringing an angel to me on His mighty birthday.
This will be my most blessed Christmas so far!


On the other hand,
I still miss my ex boyfriend.
I really want him back cause he has been my life companion and the reason that make me happier in kelantan.
But I know things cannot be forced.
So I decided to leave things to God.


God,
I leave my love life to You,
As you must have prepared the best for me.
But until now, I still love him.
So, if that's not the love you granted,
please take away my sadness.
give me new hope, new life.
Amen.